When is somebody going to make a movie about this guy? He is Rudy and Tommy Boy rolled into one. He is like Tom Sawyer in a 300 lb. body. Here is the list from the Deseret News of the different exploits of a man named Rulon.
This is only the latest and most spectacular of many accidents for Gardner.
• As a boy, he fell out of the back of a pickup moving 40 miles per hour and skidded across the road on his bare back.
• When he was 8 years old, he accidentally impaled his stomach on a hunting arrow.
• While Gardner was driving to Ricks College, his truck slid off an icy road, leaving him with scars that are still visible on his arms.
• In 2002, he spent 17 hours in the Wyoming backcountry after his snowmobile dropped into a hidden lake. He lost most of a middle toe to frostbite.
• Ten days before the 2004 U.S. wrestling championships, he T-boned a car with his Harley-Davidson motorcycle. He catapulted through the air and performed a front somersault as he struck the ground, then popped to his feet. He had only minor injuries.
• Two days later, he dislocated his wrist in a pickup basketball game.
Then there was the time he cracked vertebrae in his neck when the great Russian wrestler Alexander Karelin dropped him on his head. But that wasn't an accident.
"Just throw another log on the fire," Gardner said. "I wonder when these adventures are going to stop."
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Dwight on SNL
Pretty funny, right up until the end. Lorn Michaels totally ruins it and I guess they just couldn't come up with a good way to end the monologue/skit so it just dies.
Enjoy
Rappers ain’t got nuthin’ on this guy
As you may know, I am at once both fond and jealous of rappers because of how collectively they apparently have a monopoly on all the cool nicknames. I mean, just look at the former members of N.W.A. Where else except for the world of gangsta rap can you get five guys whose handles are so mind-blowingly hip as Eazy E, Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, DJ Yella and MC Ren? Jay-Z sure sounds better than the guy’s real name, Shawn Carter. And my all-time fave is none other than the Notorious B.I.G.
Having said that, rappers henceforth are going to have to take a backseat in my Nickname Hall of Fame to the infamous Idi Amin, deceased despot and former ruler of Uganda. Forest Whittaker won the Oscar for Best Actor last night for his portrayal of Amin in “The Last King of Scotland.” I recognized the name Idi Amin, but my mind was foggy on the details. So I looked up Idi on Wikipedia, and among other things I learned that he gave himself tripped-out titles such as the King of Scotland (hence the movie’s name). The best, though, was his decision to self-anoint himself “His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.” Yowsers!
Having said that, rappers henceforth are going to have to take a backseat in my Nickname Hall of Fame to the infamous Idi Amin, deceased despot and former ruler of Uganda. Forest Whittaker won the Oscar for Best Actor last night for his portrayal of Amin in “The Last King of Scotland.” I recognized the name Idi Amin, but my mind was foggy on the details. So I looked up Idi on Wikipedia, and among other things I learned that he gave himself tripped-out titles such as the King of Scotland (hence the movie’s name). The best, though, was his decision to self-anoint himself “His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.” Yowsers!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
An Open Letter to John Amaechi
Dear John:
You are the worst of hypocrites.
My man, I will give you props for “coming out.” It couldn’t have been easy, what with all the criticism you knew would be leveled at you by people you've never even met.
But having said that, let’s be honest about what you used your soapbox to do: spew vitriol and hate against anything in Utah that moves and isn’t gay. I haven’t read your book yet (and probably won’t), but I did read your two-and-a-half-page excerpt in ESPN the Magazine. And in a mere 2.5 pages, you managed to throw all of the following people under the proverbial bus:
Jerry Sloan: First of all, tons of former players detest Sloan. But have you noticed, John, that guys aren’t lining up around the block to take a run at him? People move on, John. But you, you attack the guy beneath the veil of “I’m coming out of the closet, and if any people say anything bad about me then, regardless of the veracity of their claims, they’re insensitive, politically-incorrect bigots.” Um, John, if you were a head coach and a player shouted at you “F#@! you, John” in the middle of a game like you did to Sloan, wouldn’t you have suspended that player like Sloan suspended you? And BTW John, end of the day it doesn’t look too good for a career 6.2 ppg scorer to be taking a run at one of the four or five winningest coaches in NBA history. Just thought you should know.
Larry H. Miller: Hey, I’m the last guy who’ll ever be confused with being a proponent of Larry Miller (and no, I most assuredly do NOT “know this guy”), but I’ve got to say that not wanting to show “Brokeback Mountain” at his movie theaters doesn’t mean Larry necessarily has “antipathy towards gay people.” And John, you might want to hire a fact checker for your next book, b/c you wrote that Miller’s “NBC affiliate (was) the source of much of his wealth” and took a run at him for not wanting to show “Brokeback” at his theaters but being willing to show “Will & Grace” on his NBC affiliate. Um, John, that’d be the LDS church that owns the local NBC affiliate, not Sir Larry.
SLC reporters: We all know I’m a bit biased here, because I am myself a newspaper man. But John, when you write, “By the end of my second season in Utah, I was practically daring reporters to out me. My sexuality, I felt, had become an open secret…” you’re being very, very misleading. Congrats on your use of the word “practically,” because it gives you carte blanche to say whatever you want without having to give a factual basis for it. As in, “I practically finished in the Top 10 percent of my law school class,” and “I practically treat my wife like the royalty she really is 24/7.” I can 100-percent promise you, John, that if you had actually (and not practically) dared any SLC reporter to “out” you, you would’ve been evicted from your closet. Jazz beat reporters are inwardly bitter about making peanuts and having to keep to the grueling travel sked of the team they cover while dealing with Jerry “the quote machine” Sloan day in and day out. Columnists want to get the next big scoop and be lauded as super-duper intelligent. Believe me, John, either class of newspaper would’ve outted you in a heartbeat if for no other reason than to accomplish their personal agendas.
Mormons and Salt Lake City: You write, “…I had to be stuck in the repressive, Mormon capital of the Western world.” I’m not going to argue that Mormon culture isn’t at times repressive, but it’s quite unfair for you to imply that Mormon culture is inherently repressive (if the most defining characteristic of the culture’s capital is repression, then it would go to reason that the culture itself is repressive through-and-through). You know, kind of like Tim Hardaway saying he hates ALL gays? Oh, and John, what the hell kind of standing do you have to complain about Utah when YOU SIGNED HERE AS A FREE AGENT AFTER TURNING DOWN A MORE LUCRATIVE OFFER FROM THE LAKERS!?!
A few more pointers: not a good idea to call Greg Ostertag a “gentle giant” and make him sound like the best teammate of all-time. “O” is one of the biggest NBA underachievers of all-time in terms of how much potential he didn’t realize during his career. And last but not least, please know John that very few people under any circumstances would ever want to have read a sentence like this one that you wrote: “I even had an experience unfamiliar to my life in the States: sex. I had a memorable drunken night with an adorable wrestler (what is it with those guys?) from the University of Utah.” Enough said!!
Like Dallas Clark at a girls high school basketball game, I am out.
You are the worst of hypocrites.
My man, I will give you props for “coming out.” It couldn’t have been easy, what with all the criticism you knew would be leveled at you by people you've never even met.
But having said that, let’s be honest about what you used your soapbox to do: spew vitriol and hate against anything in Utah that moves and isn’t gay. I haven’t read your book yet (and probably won’t), but I did read your two-and-a-half-page excerpt in ESPN the Magazine. And in a mere 2.5 pages, you managed to throw all of the following people under the proverbial bus:
Jerry Sloan: First of all, tons of former players detest Sloan. But have you noticed, John, that guys aren’t lining up around the block to take a run at him? People move on, John. But you, you attack the guy beneath the veil of “I’m coming out of the closet, and if any people say anything bad about me then, regardless of the veracity of their claims, they’re insensitive, politically-incorrect bigots.” Um, John, if you were a head coach and a player shouted at you “F#@! you, John” in the middle of a game like you did to Sloan, wouldn’t you have suspended that player like Sloan suspended you? And BTW John, end of the day it doesn’t look too good for a career 6.2 ppg scorer to be taking a run at one of the four or five winningest coaches in NBA history. Just thought you should know.
Larry H. Miller: Hey, I’m the last guy who’ll ever be confused with being a proponent of Larry Miller (and no, I most assuredly do NOT “know this guy”), but I’ve got to say that not wanting to show “Brokeback Mountain” at his movie theaters doesn’t mean Larry necessarily has “antipathy towards gay people.” And John, you might want to hire a fact checker for your next book, b/c you wrote that Miller’s “NBC affiliate (was) the source of much of his wealth” and took a run at him for not wanting to show “Brokeback” at his theaters but being willing to show “Will & Grace” on his NBC affiliate. Um, John, that’d be the LDS church that owns the local NBC affiliate, not Sir Larry.
SLC reporters: We all know I’m a bit biased here, because I am myself a newspaper man. But John, when you write, “By the end of my second season in Utah, I was practically daring reporters to out me. My sexuality, I felt, had become an open secret…” you’re being very, very misleading. Congrats on your use of the word “practically,” because it gives you carte blanche to say whatever you want without having to give a factual basis for it. As in, “I practically finished in the Top 10 percent of my law school class,” and “I practically treat my wife like the royalty she really is 24/7.” I can 100-percent promise you, John, that if you had actually (and not practically) dared any SLC reporter to “out” you, you would’ve been evicted from your closet. Jazz beat reporters are inwardly bitter about making peanuts and having to keep to the grueling travel sked of the team they cover while dealing with Jerry “the quote machine” Sloan day in and day out. Columnists want to get the next big scoop and be lauded as super-duper intelligent. Believe me, John, either class of newspaper would’ve outted you in a heartbeat if for no other reason than to accomplish their personal agendas.
Mormons and Salt Lake City: You write, “…I had to be stuck in the repressive, Mormon capital of the Western world.” I’m not going to argue that Mormon culture isn’t at times repressive, but it’s quite unfair for you to imply that Mormon culture is inherently repressive (if the most defining characteristic of the culture’s capital is repression, then it would go to reason that the culture itself is repressive through-and-through). You know, kind of like Tim Hardaway saying he hates ALL gays? Oh, and John, what the hell kind of standing do you have to complain about Utah when YOU SIGNED HERE AS A FREE AGENT AFTER TURNING DOWN A MORE LUCRATIVE OFFER FROM THE LAKERS!?!
A few more pointers: not a good idea to call Greg Ostertag a “gentle giant” and make him sound like the best teammate of all-time. “O” is one of the biggest NBA underachievers of all-time in terms of how much potential he didn’t realize during his career. And last but not least, please know John that very few people under any circumstances would ever want to have read a sentence like this one that you wrote: “I even had an experience unfamiliar to my life in the States: sex. I had a memorable drunken night with an adorable wrestler (what is it with those guys?) from the University of Utah.” Enough said!!
Like Dallas Clark at a girls high school basketball game, I am out.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
This chick has been kicking my butt for 15 years
Sabrina Scherff may not have known it at the time, but she was one of my chief rivals in junior high school. Sabrina was the only seventh grader at Los Alisos Intermediate School to get a higher grade in honors English than me (don’t ask me why that pale-faced autocrat Mrs. Crawford put signs on the wall showing the top five grades in each of her sections). Two years in a row, Sabrina won the grade-level spelling bee while I only finished in the Top 10 and jealousy raged through my veins. At “graduation,” she got to give a speech as a valedictorian – something little Jamshid was prohibited from doing solely because of his mediocre marks in P.E. And now, while I take a nap every day and grovel at the feet of middle-aged white men for a job that doesn’t involve my voice on the wrong end of a Drive Thru squawk-box, she’s one of the 24 finalists on American Idol’s sixth season. So in that sense, not much has changed in 15 years – Sabrina Scherff is still kicking my butt and making me look bad (even if no one but me is keeping score).
Memo to Sabrina Scherff-Sloan: you may have gone to Northwestern and become “urbanized” (re: black), moved to New York and performed in Broadway musicals, married a Sloan so you could drop the maiden-name Scherff like it was yesterday’s news, and deceptively claimed that your hometown is Studio City (where’s the love for Mission Viejo, Sabrina?), but to me you’ll always be that puffy-haired pre-teen who kicked my trash in Mrs. Crawford’s class. Good luck, Sabrina; although I won’t be watching the shows, I'll be rooting for you in my own way.
Caveat: my brother goes to Mission Viejo High School, the same school Sabrina did. (As the Turtle proudly proclaims, I went to Trabuco Hills, which “corrupted” me so much that my parents had to send my two younger siblings to a neighboring school in order to keep Royah and Steven from following in my wayward footsteps, but that’s a whole other ball of wax for another day.) I found out about Sabrina going Top-24 b/c when I was down in Calif. last week thawing out, my drama-geek brother was going on and on about how a former drama student from his school was on American Idol and how he had to watch her perform (uninterested, I ignored the television as I won the Super Bowl for the umpteenth time via Madden 07 on my lapper). After the show, we were bumping around on the internet and Steven showed me the MVHS drama website that was trumping up its alumnus. It of course took me two seconds to blurt out, “That’s Sabrina Scherff!” Now if Sabrina goes Top-12, it’s already lined up that my brother will interview her for his school’s televised morning news program, which of course would entail the inevitable off-camera exchange, “Remember a kid named Jamie Askar from junior high school? That’s my brother!!” Needless to say, I’m breathless with anticipation. Either that, or I really couldn’t care less. Hibachi!!
Caveat: my brother goes to Mission Viejo High School, the same school Sabrina did. (As the Turtle proudly proclaims, I went to Trabuco Hills, which “corrupted” me so much that my parents had to send my two younger siblings to a neighboring school in order to keep Royah and Steven from following in my wayward footsteps, but that’s a whole other ball of wax for another day.) I found out about Sabrina going Top-24 b/c when I was down in Calif. last week thawing out, my drama-geek brother was going on and on about how a former drama student from his school was on American Idol and how he had to watch her perform (uninterested, I ignored the television as I won the Super Bowl for the umpteenth time via Madden 07 on my lapper). After the show, we were bumping around on the internet and Steven showed me the MVHS drama website that was trumping up its alumnus. It of course took me two seconds to blurt out, “That’s Sabrina Scherff!” Now if Sabrina goes Top-12, it’s already lined up that my brother will interview her for his school’s televised morning news program, which of course would entail the inevitable off-camera exchange, “Remember a kid named Jamie Askar from junior high school? That’s my brother!!” Needless to say, I’m breathless with anticipation. Either that, or I really couldn’t care less. Hibachi!!
Monday, February 19, 2007
Finally...
I apologize for my silence up until this point. You see, this blog has created quite the dilemna for me: do I give credence to this effort as President of the Lunch Club despite its founder ignoring corporate protocall and the proper channels of approval, or do I ignore such technicalities and avail myself the opportunity to shed enlightenment upon my subjects thereby improving company moral? As you might have guessed, I have opted for the latter. But lest there be any confusion, I offer the following: THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN THIS BLOG ARE SOLELY THOSE OF THE AUTHOR(S) AND DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF LUNCH CLUB, INC. OR ANY OF ITS SUBSIDIARIES.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Mother Theresa
Every once in a while I visit a Mormon blog called Times and Seasons to see if there are any interesting topics. I was reading one on prayer, and one commenter to the post said the following:
I liked the description Mother Theresa gave of her experience of prayer:
An interviewer asked Mother Theresa what she says to God when she prays.
“I don’t say anything,” she replied, “I just listen.”
So the interviewer asked her what God says to her.
“He doesn’t say anything,” said Mother Theresa. “He just listens.” And before the astonished interviewer could press her further, she added, “And if you don’t understand that, I can’t explain it to you.”
Now, since I don't understand that I suppose that nobody can explain it to me. But maybe Mother Theresa was just a poor communicator and that's why she couldn't explain it to the poor interviewier. If that is the case, could someone please explain it to me.
If not, I am left with 2 possible conclusions:
1. Mother Theresa is on a much higher/different spiritual plane that I (not unlikely) and about anyone I've ever met (much less likely); or
2. Mother Theresa is a quack.
Maybe that's a false dichotomy, especially since this was just one response to an interviewer, but her response doesn't do anything for me liek it apparently did for the commenter I quoted. Maybe Christopher Hitchens was right in his show "Hell's Angel" and his book "Missionary Position" both about Mother Theresa, that she should not be held up as a Saint, but deplored instead. But maybe not, I'm not sure.
In one Provo student ward I was in, on the first fast Sunday a Mormon Indian lady (as in from India) bore her testimony. It was pretty much entirely about Mother Theresa and how great of a person and example she was. Now this lady had worked at one of Theresa's clinics and along side her at times so she was speaking from personal experience. It was quite an emotional discourse/testimony (and posibly moving though I really don't remember) but odd for a testimony meeting (though different is usually good in such meetings). This lady seemed very sincere in her praise of the Mother, so I'm not sure whether I should discretid her or not.
Well does that quote by Mother Theresa make sense to anyone?
If your interested in Hitchens information on Mother Theresa, you can read this interview. Kinda long though. And it is from the "secular humanist" website.
I liked the description Mother Theresa gave of her experience of prayer:
An interviewer asked Mother Theresa what she says to God when she prays.
“I don’t say anything,” she replied, “I just listen.”
So the interviewer asked her what God says to her.
“He doesn’t say anything,” said Mother Theresa. “He just listens.” And before the astonished interviewer could press her further, she added, “And if you don’t understand that, I can’t explain it to you.”
Now, since I don't understand that I suppose that nobody can explain it to me. But maybe Mother Theresa was just a poor communicator and that's why she couldn't explain it to the poor interviewier. If that is the case, could someone please explain it to me.
If not, I am left with 2 possible conclusions:
1. Mother Theresa is on a much higher/different spiritual plane that I (not unlikely) and about anyone I've ever met (much less likely); or
2. Mother Theresa is a quack.
Maybe that's a false dichotomy, especially since this was just one response to an interviewer, but her response doesn't do anything for me liek it apparently did for the commenter I quoted. Maybe Christopher Hitchens was right in his show "Hell's Angel" and his book "Missionary Position" both about Mother Theresa, that she should not be held up as a Saint, but deplored instead. But maybe not, I'm not sure.
In one Provo student ward I was in, on the first fast Sunday a Mormon Indian lady (as in from India) bore her testimony. It was pretty much entirely about Mother Theresa and how great of a person and example she was. Now this lady had worked at one of Theresa's clinics and along side her at times so she was speaking from personal experience. It was quite an emotional discourse/testimony (and posibly moving though I really don't remember) but odd for a testimony meeting (though different is usually good in such meetings). This lady seemed very sincere in her praise of the Mother, so I'm not sure whether I should discretid her or not.
Well does that quote by Mother Theresa make sense to anyone?
If your interested in Hitchens information on Mother Theresa, you can read this interview. Kinda long though. And it is from the "secular humanist" website.
Sorry, wrong link on the flopper video
try this one.;
http://www.cougarboard.com/external_link.html?id=-994422481
But if you want to watch the other one too, then I think its pretty funny that th girl hasn't been able to stop her hiccups for 3 weeks!
http://www.cougarboard.com/external_link.html?id=-994422481
But if you want to watch the other one too, then I think its pretty funny that th girl hasn't been able to stop her hiccups for 3 weeks!
Biggest flop ever!
Sorry I can't embed this video, bud you've got to see it. Woman "attacks" city commissioner at city council meeting. Dirk Novitski, Raja Bell, and Jaron Collins have nothing on this lady.
http://video.msn.com/v/us/msnbc.htm?g=516%20cb662-844c-442e-97ca-e224ed908d29&f=00&fg=%20email
http://video.msn.com/v/us/msnbc.htm?g=516%20cb662-844c-442e-97ca-e224ed908d29&f=00&fg=%20email
Thursday, February 15, 2007
I will neither confirm nor deny any involvement in this development
According to variations of the same story here, here and here, maternity wards in Germany are planning for an unprecedented number of births in April. The theory goes that there is a direct correlation between the pregnancies and the World Cup, which occurred nine months previous to the due dates in question and thus coincided with conception. Although it may well stoke the flames of speculation, rumor and intimation, I will confirm only that I was in Germany for six days during the World Cup traveling from city to city, one of which was Cologne, the city where the midwife quoted in the article works. The rest I leave to your prurient imaginations.
Jamshid's Trip & Random Notes
I have to say welcome back to our good friend Jamshid. Your California adventure sounds like it was lots of fun. I imagine that there were parts of the story that you had to leave out (i.e., the body cavity search after being pulled over for speeding, and the $500 you lost in Vegas in a matter of fifteen minutes). Regardless, I enjoyed your story.
I saw Casino Royale last night. Without a doubt, I thought it was the best Bond movie that I have ever seen. And at this point, I am having a hard time determining if I think that it was the best Bond movie on account of its merits or on account of how bad the last couple of Bond movies have been. I imagine that it is a mix of both.
With regards to the merits, I thought the new Bond was an exceptional actor. The way he portrayed Bond as a raw and somewhat stoic agent that pursued leads with tenacity really rang true to me. I thought the writers were wise to break the mold of the past Bond movies (over-the-top villains, unbelievable gadgetry, and implausible plots), and to create a story that was dramatic, exciting, and, to a degree, suspenseful. I give the move a 9 out of 10.
I saw Casino Royale last night. Without a doubt, I thought it was the best Bond movie that I have ever seen. And at this point, I am having a hard time determining if I think that it was the best Bond movie on account of its merits or on account of how bad the last couple of Bond movies have been. I imagine that it is a mix of both.
With regards to the merits, I thought the new Bond was an exceptional actor. The way he portrayed Bond as a raw and somewhat stoic agent that pursued leads with tenacity really rang true to me. I thought the writers were wise to break the mold of the past Bond movies (over-the-top villains, unbelievable gadgetry, and implausible plots), and to create a story that was dramatic, exciting, and, to a degree, suspenseful. I give the move a 9 out of 10.
When life gives you lemons, go make lemonade 644 miles away
So Sunday night I was feeling somewhat lonely, missing my wife and daughter who had taken the roadie down to Disneyland with wife’s family. Knowing that I had slept much of Sunday and thus wasn’t going to be sleeping much if at all that night, I decided around 9:30 p.m. to take a spontaneous middle-of-the-night jaunt down to the O.C. In a classic example of the phenomena some in the academic world have come to refer to as “Jamshid’s Hustle,” tires hit pavement at 1:12 a.m.
(An observation about weird intra-family dynamic of my in-laws: I’m convinced that my wife Erin leads a secret double life. When she’s not busy being my personal assistant/life coach, she is one of two de facto wives to her older sister. Erin has two sisters, one older and one younger. The older sister is single, in her early 30s and a traveling nurse. An objective observer would note that the older sister is smart, talented, not unattractive…but that she’s totally scarred by her parents’ divorce and father’s six subsequent marriages. So when Erin’s family gets together like they do for their annual Disneyland trek, the older sister seizes control of the situation and acts out the role of patriarch, bossing around the mom and the two married sisters and their combined three children. Needless to say, when these occasions arise I stay the hell away because I am no match for my wife’s older sister and de facto second husband.)
After in-car naps in a Vegas hotel parking lot and gas stations in Baker and Ontario, I rolled into the 949 approximately 13 hours after departure. Erin and our daughter stayed with me while the rest of her family drove back to Utah on Monday night. We had a good time, thawing out and relaxing beneath the beautiful azure Calif. sky on my parent’s dime. I especially enjoyed watching the 1991 classic “Not Without My Daughter” starring Sally Field with my Persian Dad b/c he was able to translate from Farsi to English the dialogue that was on the periphery of the movie (which basically amounted to all the crazy Iranians shouting at each other to stop shouting at each other). Good times.
We rolled into Utah County this morning at 7 a.m. Except for the speeding ticket I got outside of Barstow for going between 88 and 90 mph, it was a smooth ride home. (Seriously, I think the cop was about to detain me for driving my Utah-registered car while having a Calif. driver’s license despite not having lived in Calif. for four years. I don’t know if it was my uncombed hair, two-week beard, wrinkled pajamas, or overall disheveled appearance, but when I tried to explain the registration/license discrepancy to him by saying that I had been attending law school in Utah, he gave me one of those “yeah, and I’m Donald Rumsfeld” looks). Here is an excerpt from my dialogue with Officer Nelson:
OFFICER: Have you been to traffic school in the last 18 months?
SHEED: Um, I don’t think so. (brief, pregnant pause) No, I definitely haven’t.
OFFICER: Then you’ll be able to go to traffic school so the point doesn’t go on your record. You can even do it online if you want.
SHEED: (nodding, speaking in subdued tone so Officer Nelson doesn’t think I’m being sarcastic with him) Great, that’s great that I can do it online.
OFFICER: (smiling) Yeah, it’s really cool the way they have it set up now online.
SHEED: (nodding abruptly stops and blank looks spreads over face at Officer Nelson’s use of the words “really cool” in reference to any kind of traffic school)
Bonus note: I got into a discussion with my family about the current state of “Saturday Night Live,” with me advocating the position that, like an anteater with a punctured snout, it sucks rather badly. To refute my assertion, my brother directed me to watch the “Dick in a Box” skit with Justin Timberlake that aired on SNL in December. Suffice to say, I was reduced to tears of laughter. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it yet, go to YouTube or the NBC website and watch the “Dick in a Box” skit.
Useless but interesting information: Last month my brother won Winter Formal King for Mission Viejo High School. The Queen was the daughter of Bill Bavasi, general manager of the Seattle Mariners.
Useless but interesting information, Part 2: My brother’s girlfriend was on the Winter Formal court too, but when she didn’t win and my brother subsequently had to dance with the Bavasi girl, brother’s girlfriend danced with a chiseled African-American football player who like her was an also-ran on the Winter Formal court. In looking at pictures of the dance with my brother, he was less-than-happy when I pointed out to him what a good time his girlfriend appeared to be having while dancing with the muscular black fellow.
One final note to leave y’all with this Thursday morn: no matter what so-called “experts” tell you, it is not a good idea to lock your cat in the bathroom for three-plus days. Yes, that’s right, prior to departure late Sunday/early Monday, I put Wilson the Cat in a bathroom along with his litter box, food dish and a night light. When we got home this morning, he was meowing like crazy and, since subsequently being released from his confinement, has been acting really nervous, kind of like he’s tweaking on meth – you know, unable to sit down for more than two seconds at a time and wandering the house in a daze like he’d just gotten interrogated/tortured by Special Agent Jack Bauer on an episode of “24.”
(An observation about weird intra-family dynamic of my in-laws: I’m convinced that my wife Erin leads a secret double life. When she’s not busy being my personal assistant/life coach, she is one of two de facto wives to her older sister. Erin has two sisters, one older and one younger. The older sister is single, in her early 30s and a traveling nurse. An objective observer would note that the older sister is smart, talented, not unattractive…but that she’s totally scarred by her parents’ divorce and father’s six subsequent marriages. So when Erin’s family gets together like they do for their annual Disneyland trek, the older sister seizes control of the situation and acts out the role of patriarch, bossing around the mom and the two married sisters and their combined three children. Needless to say, when these occasions arise I stay the hell away because I am no match for my wife’s older sister and de facto second husband.)
After in-car naps in a Vegas hotel parking lot and gas stations in Baker and Ontario, I rolled into the 949 approximately 13 hours after departure. Erin and our daughter stayed with me while the rest of her family drove back to Utah on Monday night. We had a good time, thawing out and relaxing beneath the beautiful azure Calif. sky on my parent’s dime. I especially enjoyed watching the 1991 classic “Not Without My Daughter” starring Sally Field with my Persian Dad b/c he was able to translate from Farsi to English the dialogue that was on the periphery of the movie (which basically amounted to all the crazy Iranians shouting at each other to stop shouting at each other). Good times.
We rolled into Utah County this morning at 7 a.m. Except for the speeding ticket I got outside of Barstow for going between 88 and 90 mph, it was a smooth ride home. (Seriously, I think the cop was about to detain me for driving my Utah-registered car while having a Calif. driver’s license despite not having lived in Calif. for four years. I don’t know if it was my uncombed hair, two-week beard, wrinkled pajamas, or overall disheveled appearance, but when I tried to explain the registration/license discrepancy to him by saying that I had been attending law school in Utah, he gave me one of those “yeah, and I’m Donald Rumsfeld” looks). Here is an excerpt from my dialogue with Officer Nelson:
OFFICER: Have you been to traffic school in the last 18 months?
SHEED: Um, I don’t think so. (brief, pregnant pause) No, I definitely haven’t.
OFFICER: Then you’ll be able to go to traffic school so the point doesn’t go on your record. You can even do it online if you want.
SHEED: (nodding, speaking in subdued tone so Officer Nelson doesn’t think I’m being sarcastic with him) Great, that’s great that I can do it online.
OFFICER: (smiling) Yeah, it’s really cool the way they have it set up now online.
SHEED: (nodding abruptly stops and blank looks spreads over face at Officer Nelson’s use of the words “really cool” in reference to any kind of traffic school)
Bonus note: I got into a discussion with my family about the current state of “Saturday Night Live,” with me advocating the position that, like an anteater with a punctured snout, it sucks rather badly. To refute my assertion, my brother directed me to watch the “Dick in a Box” skit with Justin Timberlake that aired on SNL in December. Suffice to say, I was reduced to tears of laughter. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it yet, go to YouTube or the NBC website and watch the “Dick in a Box” skit.
Useless but interesting information: Last month my brother won Winter Formal King for Mission Viejo High School. The Queen was the daughter of Bill Bavasi, general manager of the Seattle Mariners.
Useless but interesting information, Part 2: My brother’s girlfriend was on the Winter Formal court too, but when she didn’t win and my brother subsequently had to dance with the Bavasi girl, brother’s girlfriend danced with a chiseled African-American football player who like her was an also-ran on the Winter Formal court. In looking at pictures of the dance with my brother, he was less-than-happy when I pointed out to him what a good time his girlfriend appeared to be having while dancing with the muscular black fellow.
One final note to leave y’all with this Thursday morn: no matter what so-called “experts” tell you, it is not a good idea to lock your cat in the bathroom for three-plus days. Yes, that’s right, prior to departure late Sunday/early Monday, I put Wilson the Cat in a bathroom along with his litter box, food dish and a night light. When we got home this morning, he was meowing like crazy and, since subsequently being released from his confinement, has been acting really nervous, kind of like he’s tweaking on meth – you know, unable to sit down for more than two seconds at a time and wandering the house in a daze like he’d just gotten interrogated/tortured by Special Agent Jack Bauer on an episode of “24.”
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Advice for Jamshidi
In today's edition of the Lunch Club Blog, I am posing the following question:
What advice would you give our dear friend Jamshid in preparing for and taking the California State Bar on February 27, 2007, through March 1, 2007? My suggestions are as follows.
My first suggestion would be to take some time to study for the bar. I found in my own personal preparation that studying before the test acquainted me with the subjects of the exam. I think that it was helpful to learn the topics before taking the test.
My second suggestion would be to find something that you can do during the test that will drive the other test takers to distraction without disqualifying yourself from the exam. It has to be something that is sufficiently distracting that it will drive other people's test scores down while being sufficiently innocuous to avoid expulsion from the exam area. I personally used loud, wet coughs that bothered those around me with either the noise or the spray. Try typing at eighty words a minute while looking at someone's cough spray on your monitor.
Finally, allow me to suggest copious amounts of caffeine pills. I hear that they will keep you awake while improving mind function. However, make sure that you don't mix them up with your Viagra or it will be the longest exam of your life.
Fellow lunch clubbers, please feel free to add your comments as you feel appropriate.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Further v. Farther
In going through a letter I wrote recently, I found this example of where further and farther are not interchangeable:
"Your failure to do so will give our client no option but to take further legal action as we deem necessary to recover the damages occasioned by the faulty construction provided by ABC, LLC."
However, I did read the rule concerning further and farther again in the Chicago Manual of Style, and it describes the distinction as "the traditional distinction." CMS 5.202. While it doesn't say that the distinction is no longer used, it does indicate that the general distinction is not necessarily the rule.
"Your failure to do so will give our client no option but to take further legal action as we deem necessary to recover the damages occasioned by the faulty construction provided by ABC, LLC."
However, I did read the rule concerning further and farther again in the Chicago Manual of Style, and it describes the distinction as "the traditional distinction." CMS 5.202. While it doesn't say that the distinction is no longer used, it does indicate that the general distinction is not necessarily the rule.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Coincidence? I think not.
Does anyone remember this summer when Araujo and Marvin Williams got in a fight at the Rocky Mountain Review and Araujo got the boot from the game? It was the day after the Llama Festival if that will help anyone's memory. Well, here is a clip from the AP game recap from tonight's Atlanta v. Utah basketball game:
Marvin Williams led Atlanta with 15 points. Williams also got a bloody nose when he took a forearm by Utah's Rafael Araujo early in the fourth quarter, which resulted in Araujo getting ejected and Atlanta's Josh Smith getting a technical as Williams remained down in the lane.
Coincidence? I think not.
P.S. Here is an early morning addendum from the Daily Dime on ESPN.com:
Quote of the Day
"In the NBA, there's always hard fouls taken, but I really think it's crossing the line when you start taking shots at somebody's head."
-- Hawks forward Marvin Williams, who endured a bloody nose after taking a forearm to the face from Jazz center Rafael Araujo in the fourth quarter. Araujo was ejected.
Marvin Williams led Atlanta with 15 points. Williams also got a bloody nose when he took a forearm by Utah's Rafael Araujo early in the fourth quarter, which resulted in Araujo getting ejected and Atlanta's Josh Smith getting a technical as Williams remained down in the lane.
Coincidence? I think not.
P.S. Here is an early morning addendum from the Daily Dime on ESPN.com:
Quote of the Day
"In the NBA, there's always hard fouls taken, but I really think it's crossing the line when you start taking shots at somebody's head."
-- Hawks forward Marvin Williams, who endured a bloody nose after taking a forearm to the face from Jazz center Rafael Araujo in the fourth quarter. Araujo was ejected.
Gambling in Church
So Morgan is a gambler, huh? And not just in his free time, but in (humble?) supplication during a sacred religious rite. Well I thought he gave that up after taking home a few winnings in some really low stakes hold'em a couple years back. Glad to see you've fallen off the wagon. This just means it's prime time for a lunch Club Trip to Vegas; or St. George with a quick jaunt to Mesquite, and possibly Vegas if the MWC tourney is looking like good times.
What say ye. Of course Jordan is the integral part of this plan, since he is the expert both on St. George and the Nevada gaming scene--by this last part I mean only that he is clearly the greatest poker player in the lunch club and I make no insinuation that he has a gambling problem or that he is an active gambler. Since it is unlikely that he will read this, we may have to get him to enter into discussions through an alternate medium.
To me, the ideal date for such a lunch club excursion would be Friday March 9. But remember that last time we tried to do this only 2 lunch clubbers made the trip. 1 with a valid excuse, the other...not so much. Would such member flake out again?
Of course the trip would be a family affair and I would have to include golfing or tennis to feel good about my time in warm weather. My projected date is almost upon us, so we'll have to make our plans quickly.
What say ye. Of course Jordan is the integral part of this plan, since he is the expert both on St. George and the Nevada gaming scene--by this last part I mean only that he is clearly the greatest poker player in the lunch club and I make no insinuation that he has a gambling problem or that he is an active gambler. Since it is unlikely that he will read this, we may have to get him to enter into discussions through an alternate medium.
To me, the ideal date for such a lunch club excursion would be Friday March 9. But remember that last time we tried to do this only 2 lunch clubbers made the trip. 1 with a valid excuse, the other...not so much. Would such member flake out again?
Of course the trip would be a family affair and I would have to include golfing or tennis to feel good about my time in warm weather. My projected date is almost upon us, so we'll have to make our plans quickly.
Making a dollar the old fashioned way
On Saturday evening, Jennie and I attended an Elders Quorum Valentine's Day dinner. As we were walking out of the dinner, we noticed that it was raining and I mentioned to a friend and his wife that I would bet him a dollar that someone during church on Sunday would thank God for all of the moisture that we had received. (I don't need to get into it, but I have a long standing complaint with Jennie that the church is too tied to its agrarian roots and that every time we get the smallest amount of rain people are praying about it in sacrament meeting.) Well, my friend took me up on my bet.
After finishing up our conversation, Jennie and I got into our car and headed home. Before we were even out of the parking lot, Jennie looked over at me and told me, "Oh yeah, the bishop called this week and he would like you to say the opening prayer." So yesterday, church got underway, the bishopric made its announcements, we sang the opening hymn, and then I walked to the pulpit. Before starting to pray, I looked over at my friend, gave him a smile, and then proceeded to thank God for all of the moisture that we had received. Easiest dollar that I have ever made.
After finishing up our conversation, Jennie and I got into our car and headed home. Before we were even out of the parking lot, Jennie looked over at me and told me, "Oh yeah, the bishop called this week and he would like you to say the opening prayer." So yesterday, church got underway, the bishopric made its announcements, we sang the opening hymn, and then I walked to the pulpit. Before starting to pray, I looked over at my friend, gave him a smile, and then proceeded to thank God for all of the moisture that we had received. Easiest dollar that I have ever made.
In response to Barack
I am not sure where I fall with regards to Mr. Obama, but I don't think that his statement concerning the cab is so bad. I think that it goes toward showing a larger reality: no one ever forgets that he is black even if he is a half-white, former law professor from a somewhat conservative law school. Now, the real question is whether no one is forgetting that he is black because that is the nature of our society, because the press never seems to stop talking about it, or because the Obamas never let anyone forget about it. I think it might be a mix of all three.
Now, with regards to the gas station comment. That comment is so freaking ridiculous. Of all the replies that she could have made, this one seems to be the stupidest. Like the blogger formerly known as the Voice of Reason pointed out, is she trying to make a comment about whites? Blacks? What?! Why not take a historical route and talk about other individuals that faced violence on account of their beliefs and socio-political activity? Why not talk about MLK and RFK? I think her comment, and to a lesser extent the comment made by Mr. Obama, attempt to play off a reality that is likely not the Obamas' reality. This is why I am writing in Evan Bayh.
Now, with regards to the gas station comment. That comment is so freaking ridiculous. Of all the replies that she could have made, this one seems to be the stupidest. Like the blogger formerly known as the Voice of Reason pointed out, is she trying to make a comment about whites? Blacks? What?! Why not take a historical route and talk about other individuals that faced violence on account of their beliefs and socio-political activity? Why not talk about MLK and RFK? I think her comment, and to a lesser extent the comment made by Mr. Obama, attempt to play off a reality that is likely not the Obamas' reality. This is why I am writing in Evan Bayh.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Barack Hussein Obama
So Mr. Obama was on 60 minutes tonight, and the following things came out of that peice.
When asked about the (silly) "Are you black enough?" question on 60 Minutes, Senator Obama answered, "when I'm catching a cab, nobody's confused about that."
When Mrs. Obama was asked if she is worried about his safety running for president, she answered, "as a black man, Barack can get shot going to the gas station."
Give me a break! Does anyone really beleive that Barack has any trouble getting a cab? When was the last time he tried to hail a cab? I'm guessing its been at least a couple of years. And do tall thin, half-black peopel with a cheerful disposition wearing a suit and tie really have that big of a problem hailing a cab? I doubt it. Especially in the neighborhoods Barack likely frequents (U. of Chicago Law Professor, State Senator, US Senator).
And I don't believe for one second that Barack's life has ever been threatened at a gas station andymore than you or I. Especially since he grew up in Indonesia and then private-school in Hawai'i. And are we supposed to believe that black man often get shot at gas stations? By white people? For being black? Whatever. This is why I'm voting for Hillary.
When asked about the (silly) "Are you black enough?" question on 60 Minutes, Senator Obama answered, "when I'm catching a cab, nobody's confused about that."
When Mrs. Obama was asked if she is worried about his safety running for president, she answered, "as a black man, Barack can get shot going to the gas station."
Give me a break! Does anyone really beleive that Barack has any trouble getting a cab? When was the last time he tried to hail a cab? I'm guessing its been at least a couple of years. And do tall thin, half-black peopel with a cheerful disposition wearing a suit and tie really have that big of a problem hailing a cab? I doubt it. Especially in the neighborhoods Barack likely frequents (U. of Chicago Law Professor, State Senator, US Senator).
And I don't believe for one second that Barack's life has ever been threatened at a gas station andymore than you or I. Especially since he grew up in Indonesia and then private-school in Hawai'i. And are we supposed to believe that black man often get shot at gas stations? By white people? For being black? Whatever. This is why I'm voting for Hillary.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
An 8 out of 10 for Jamshid
I believe the use of the phrase "Straight out of Compton" by Jamshid in a Deseret News article deserves some serious credit. Unfortunately, I don't believe that I can give you a full 10 out of 10 on the credit scale for one specific reason. I can't imagine that NWA ever intended that "straight outta Compton" would ever be followed by the words "community college."
Which brings us to today's question: what phrases are most inappropriately paired with "straight outta Compton?" Here are a few that I thought of.
Straight outta the Compton Banana Republic,
Straight outta Compton's Public Library,
Straight outta Compton's local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan,
Straight outta Compton Sunday School,
Straight outta Compton's clogging competition,
Straight outta a Compton AA meeting,
Straight outta the Compton scrap booking convention,
Straight outta Compton accordion lessons.
Which brings us to today's question: what phrases are most inappropriately paired with "straight outta Compton?" Here are a few that I thought of.
Straight outta the Compton Banana Republic,
Straight outta Compton's Public Library,
Straight outta Compton's local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan,
Straight outta Compton Sunday School,
Straight outta Compton's clogging competition,
Straight outta a Compton AA meeting,
Straight outta the Compton scrap booking convention,
Straight outta Compton accordion lessons.
While you were sleeping
Here is a link to the game story my last post was about: Provo 51, Springville 36.
Trivia time: what's the most well-known, err, infamous N.W.A. album from the 80's?
Answer: That'd be Straight Outta Compton.
On Wednesday, I gave a shoutout to Ice Cube, Dr. Dre, Eazy E (rest his soul) and the crew by beginning my UVSC men's basketball story with the words "Straight out of Compton..." If you want to see for youself, click here. I think it's safe to say that this is the first allusion to anything N.W.A.-related to ever grace the Sports section of the Deseret News. (And no, it's not bad to do something like that--it's actually kind of cool whenever you can throw in a pop culture reference and make it work.)
In the immortal words of Kip Dynamite, "Peace out."
Friday, February 9, 2007
Morgan's cousin rocks the house
I don't know if anyone beside Morgan will get much from this, but here's an e-mail I sent to my editor after tonight's Provo at Springville Region 7 boys basketball game.
Background: Chris Collinsworth is a 6-f00t-9 senior at Provo High who is signed to play at BYU. He's very thin, so in college he probably translates into a small forward. Anyway, he missed two games with a concussion, and tonight was his second game back from that injury. He and all his teammates sucked it up big-time in the first half tonight, but Collinsworth was the one who took the blame. His coach, Craig Drury, benched him for most of the second quarter and beginning of the third. The e-mail talks a lot about what Collinsworth did on defense, but my story for the newspaper talked about how, "Over the final five minutes of the third quarter, Provo turned a six-point deficit into a 33-27 lead as Collinsworth scored five points and collected three steals, three rebounds and two assists." And now the e-mail to my editor:
"In any event, wanted to tell you just how absolutely dominant Collinsworth was. Collinsworth's cousin is one of my best friends, a guy I went to law school with, and so for three years now I've had to listen to the cousin talk my ear off about Collinsworth. I'd previously seen him play three or four times , but it wasn't until tonight that I was blown away by Chris Collinsworth. I wish I had 600 words for my story to give all the details about the game-changing things he did...it was so night-and-day from the first half to the second.
"Collinsworth sleep-walked his way to scoring one point in the first half. Drury benched him before they'd gotten midway through the second quarter. The Provo offense was out of sorts, scoring six points and collecting a single field goal in the second quarter. And when Collinsworth didn't come out to start the third quarter, I thought for sure he was hurt or something. Well lo and behold, he came back into the game two minutes into the third quarter.
"Provo was down 25-19 with five minutes to go in the third. From that point, here is a breakdown of Springville's next six possessions:
--missed shot; Collinsworth rebound.
--Collinsworth steal.
--Collinsworth steal.
--Collinsworth steal; Collinsworth gets assist on ensuing fast break.
--Eaton gets fouled, goes to line, makes both free throws.
--missed shot; Collinsworth rebound, Collinsworth gets assist on long outlet pass to teammate under basket for easy layup.
"And that's not even taking into account how his presence on offense gave Provo a rhythm it had been lacking while he was on the bench. They scored 15 points before halftime, and then 18 in each of the third and fourth quarters.
"Bottom line: he didn't have it until tonight, but my hypothetical vote for Utah Valley MVP would go to Chris Collinsworth.
"Note: I felt so bad for Preston Eaton tonight. I mean, the kid was just grinding the whole game, but he had so little in the way of a supporting cast. I let my mind wander, thinking about what might have been if Collinsworth had in fact attended Springville and he and Eaton had been able to play together for three years. Now that would have been fun to watch!"
"Collinsworth sleep-walked his way to scoring one point in the first half. Drury benched him before they'd gotten midway through the second quarter. The Provo offense was out of sorts, scoring six points and collecting a single field goal in the second quarter. And when Collinsworth didn't come out to start the third quarter, I thought for sure he was hurt or something. Well lo and behold, he came back into the game two minutes into the third quarter.
"Provo was down 25-19 with five minutes to go in the third. From that point, here is a breakdown of Springville's next six possessions:
--missed shot; Collinsworth rebound.
--Collinsworth steal.
--Collinsworth steal.
--Collinsworth steal; Collinsworth gets assist on ensuing fast break.
--Eaton gets fouled, goes to line, makes both free throws.
--missed shot; Collinsworth rebound, Collinsworth gets assist on long outlet pass to teammate under basket for easy layup.
"And that's not even taking into account how his presence on offense gave Provo a rhythm it had been lacking while he was on the bench. They scored 15 points before halftime, and then 18 in each of the third and fourth quarters.
"Bottom line: he didn't have it until tonight, but my hypothetical vote for Utah Valley MVP would go to Chris Collinsworth.
"Note: I felt so bad for Preston Eaton tonight. I mean, the kid was just grinding the whole game, but he had so little in the way of a supporting cast. I let my mind wander, thinking about what might have been if Collinsworth had in fact attended Springville and he and Eaton had been able to play together for three years. Now that would have been fun to watch!"
The last thing I want to add is what his coach had to say about it. I was surprised to see a coach throwing his star player under the bus like this, but in all fairness the coach's tactics worked to perfection as Collinsworth was a monster once he got back in the game.
“(Collinsworth) sat a couple of games with an injury, and we’re just trying to get him back into what his job is,” Provo coach Craig Drury said. “He was running around out there with not going where he was supposed to be going. He’s a great player and he’s a difference-maker, and that’s the problem is he wasn’t making a difference because he was lost. He was just out of sync, so we had to get him on both ends of the floor back into sync.”
If you want to read the whole story, go to the Deseret News website. I'm afraid if I put it up here that I'll get busted. But if one of you wants to put it up, well, techincally there's nothing little old me can do to stop y'all.
XOXO My New Fridgy and Me XOXO
[Note: Jamshid’s refrigerator went caput on Jan. 25, precisely 84 days after delivery. Service Dude stop-gap fixed it for two weeks on Jan. 26, and then came back on Feb.8 only to find that the warehouse had mailed the wrong part. Fridge stopped working again immediately after Service Dude departed on Feb. 8.]
Epilogue to the fridge fiasco:
I went down to Sears, talked to two different people who were both very nice and polite and actually did not seem mentally retarded (as I would stereotype most of them as being). Unfortunately, they were unable to do anything to help remedy my situation; they kept getting shut down by people on the phone at Sears HQ, to which they responded “It’s too bad Rod (the store GM) isn’t in today – he’s really the only one who could do something about it. But the second person I talked to, a woman named Amanda, had pity on me b/c she went through a similar situation with Sears being slow to her repair her fridge when it broke back in December. So Amanda was kind enough to give me this semi-secret phone number for “escalated cases of customer dissatisfaction.”
I called the number, and they tried to placate me with promises of the service guy being able to come back on Tuesday, to which I asked what I was supposed to do in the meantime while all the food in my fridge spoiled for the second time in 15 days. The guy offered to buy me a mini-fridge, and I verbally tendered my acceptance. So I drove home with a 1.7 cubic foot mini-fridge (retail price: $74.88), and Sears is going to credit my Sears Card account with the full purchase price in 2-3 business days. Yeah, it was kind of a tiring process, and yes, I’m still going to embark on a letter-writing campaign once the normal fridge gets fixed to obtain compensation for said refrigerator’s sudden cessation on Jan. 25, a mere 85 days after delivery. But for now, I have something (a mini fridge) that I’ve always kind of wanted but never had the flexible income to obtain. In a weirdly ironic way, that dude offering me the mini-fridge transformed me from hating Sears Roebuck & Co.’s guts to being a big fan and potential lifetime customer. Lesson learned: If you’re ever caught in a bind w/ Sears, they’ll take care of you if you talk to the right person and don’t get rude. BTW, here’s some info you’ll need if ever dealing with Sears on a customer complaint issue:
Name of GM of Provo Sears: Rod Amussen (ask for him by name if an associate gives you the runaround or, as in my case, simply doesn’t have the power to make it right)
Semi-secret “escalated dissatisfaction” phone number: 847-286-5188 (ask the operator for customer relations)
Alternate “escalated dissatisfaction” phone number: 800-479-6351
Now if I can just get Hootz to settle my claim with him giving me a couple more fitted wool hats, then I’ll really be getting my “hook-up” on…
A few random, teeming thoughts from the recesses of my unusually large skull cavity:
I noticed on the drive home from Sears that there is actually a pay phone on Spanish Fork’s Main Street. I can understand pay phones at gas stations or by the bathrooms of restaurants, but right there on Main Street? Even Morgan and I have cell phones, and I know before we got them we both hemmed and hawed at the prospect. I mean, everybody not helping sheep over fences in Wyoming has one these days, right? And wasn’t it the premise of that Colin Farrell movie Phone Booth that he was talking in the last phone booth in NYC that was on the verge of being decommissioned? So I guess I don’t know what’s more amazing, the fact that there is still a town that has a pay phone on its Main St, or how it took me 783 times driving by the pay phone before I actually noticed it. Over/under on when “normal towns” would do away with pay phones located on main roads: June of 2005. Over/under on the same proposition, except interchanging “Spanish Fork” for “normal towns”: 2029.
I bite my thumb at the jackass Magleby’s Fresh employee who denied Chris and extra breadstick and shot Morgan down in his attempt to secure a to-go lid.
Chris, you were right about The Shield’s Michael Chiklis having previously been The Commish. You won’t often hear me say it, but mea culpa, baby. Mea culpa.
Epilogue to the fridge fiasco:
I went down to Sears, talked to two different people who were both very nice and polite and actually did not seem mentally retarded (as I would stereotype most of them as being). Unfortunately, they were unable to do anything to help remedy my situation; they kept getting shut down by people on the phone at Sears HQ, to which they responded “It’s too bad Rod (the store GM) isn’t in today – he’s really the only one who could do something about it. But the second person I talked to, a woman named Amanda, had pity on me b/c she went through a similar situation with Sears being slow to her repair her fridge when it broke back in December. So Amanda was kind enough to give me this semi-secret phone number for “escalated cases of customer dissatisfaction.”
I called the number, and they tried to placate me with promises of the service guy being able to come back on Tuesday, to which I asked what I was supposed to do in the meantime while all the food in my fridge spoiled for the second time in 15 days. The guy offered to buy me a mini-fridge, and I verbally tendered my acceptance. So I drove home with a 1.7 cubic foot mini-fridge (retail price: $74.88), and Sears is going to credit my Sears Card account with the full purchase price in 2-3 business days. Yeah, it was kind of a tiring process, and yes, I’m still going to embark on a letter-writing campaign once the normal fridge gets fixed to obtain compensation for said refrigerator’s sudden cessation on Jan. 25, a mere 85 days after delivery. But for now, I have something (a mini fridge) that I’ve always kind of wanted but never had the flexible income to obtain. In a weirdly ironic way, that dude offering me the mini-fridge transformed me from hating Sears Roebuck & Co.’s guts to being a big fan and potential lifetime customer. Lesson learned: If you’re ever caught in a bind w/ Sears, they’ll take care of you if you talk to the right person and don’t get rude. BTW, here’s some info you’ll need if ever dealing with Sears on a customer complaint issue:
Name of GM of Provo Sears: Rod Amussen (ask for him by name if an associate gives you the runaround or, as in my case, simply doesn’t have the power to make it right)
Semi-secret “escalated dissatisfaction” phone number: 847-286-5188 (ask the operator for customer relations)
Alternate “escalated dissatisfaction” phone number: 800-479-6351
Now if I can just get Hootz to settle my claim with him giving me a couple more fitted wool hats, then I’ll really be getting my “hook-up” on…
A few random, teeming thoughts from the recesses of my unusually large skull cavity:
I noticed on the drive home from Sears that there is actually a pay phone on Spanish Fork’s Main Street. I can understand pay phones at gas stations or by the bathrooms of restaurants, but right there on Main Street? Even Morgan and I have cell phones, and I know before we got them we both hemmed and hawed at the prospect. I mean, everybody not helping sheep over fences in Wyoming has one these days, right? And wasn’t it the premise of that Colin Farrell movie Phone Booth that he was talking in the last phone booth in NYC that was on the verge of being decommissioned? So I guess I don’t know what’s more amazing, the fact that there is still a town that has a pay phone on its Main St, or how it took me 783 times driving by the pay phone before I actually noticed it. Over/under on when “normal towns” would do away with pay phones located on main roads: June of 2005. Over/under on the same proposition, except interchanging “Spanish Fork” for “normal towns”: 2029.
I bite my thumb at the jackass Magleby’s Fresh employee who denied Chris and extra breadstick and shot Morgan down in his attempt to secure a to-go lid.
Chris, you were right about The Shield’s Michael Chiklis having previously been The Commish. You won’t often hear me say it, but mea culpa, baby. Mea culpa.
Bill Simmons at the Super Bowl
Here is a part of Bill Simmons's blog he posted today. It describes his participation in a celebrity go-cart race. It is beautiful.
That afternoon, I was asked to participate in the Cadillac Celebrity Go-Cart Race even though I'm not a celebrity. The event was held near the American Airlines Arena and featured celebs like Nick Lachey, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Matt Leinart, Queen Latifah and others, all of whom were infinitely more famous than me. Before the race, I was talking to one of the PR people running the race and some "Access Hollywood" anchor named Tony Potts approched us. Apparently he won the race two years ago; you might remember reading about this in Celebrity Go-Cart Illustrated. When we were introduced, the PR person said, "Tony, do you have any advice for Bill?" After all, this was my first go-cart race -- seemed like an innocent conversation starter, right?
Here's what Tony tells me: "If you feel a tap on your bumper, it's either me, Tweeden or Duhamel. That means you need to get out of the way. And if you don't get out of the way, we'll spin you right out of there."
There were a couple of things I loved about this. First, he referred to the other two celebs (LeeAnn Tweeden and Josh Duhamel) by their last names, like they were professional athletes or something. Second, this blowhard was completely, totally, 100-percent serious. I swear to God. I know it's impossible to believe that someone could be this much of a d-bag, but believe me -- I have a witness. This happened. Third, did I mention that this was a celebrity go-cart race???? It was for charity!!!!!!!!! It's not like we were racing for a new Escalade. And fourth, he completely underestimated my competitiveness and driving acumen. Hell, I once went 120 miles an hour on the Merritt Parkway in a car that was 9 years old and had 105,000 miles on it. Now I was supposed to be afraid of an anchor from "Inside Hollywood?" Er, "Access Hollywood?" Please.
I pretended not to be perturbed, waited for him to leave, confirmed with the PR person that he was completely serious -- he was -- then made plans to run him off the road like Bo Duke. Any chance of me calming down was erased during the "safety lecture" before the race started, when they went over the track and all the precautions -- including how it's not good to bump other drivers -- and Tweeden and Potts (two of the last three winners) sat in the front row cracking jokes like, "just stay out of our way and you won't get hurt" and getting a little TOO into it. They were like the too-cool-for-school kids, only the school wasn't that cool. Again, this was a celebrity f***ing go-cart race.
They broke the groups into five heats, with my heat coming last -- I was in a foursome with Leinart (who looked like death warmed over and a possible threat to puke in his helmet), Lachey (who's constantly smiling, like he can't believe he's having sex with someone who enjoys it) and some girl from "Heroes" who had a lot of letters in her last name. Normally I would have been favored but I was bordering on being legally drunk from the night before. Plus, size dictates who wins go-cart races; someone like Tweeden (40-50 pounds lighter than everyone else) or Lachey (light for a guy) possesses a distinct advantage over heavier people like Leinart, Shawne Merriman (who was allowed to race since they didn't have drug-testing) and Queen Latifah (sorry, I had to). And since the top two advanced to the semis, I knew I'd advance as long as I didn't crash ... which I didn't, finishing second behind Lachey (the weight thing again).
(Note: In the Pantheon of "Things We Don't Do With Our Buddies Nearly Enough": Driving go-karts has to rank right up there with football tailgates, bowling and miniature golf skins games for $50 per hole. Pass your mid-20's and none of these things are ever suggested or broached again -- yet it's a guaranteed afternoon of fun every time. Come on, what's better than zooming around a track trying to intentionally injure your friends? Nothing, I say.)
Now the semis roll around. As fate would have it, Potts wasn't just in my heat ... our cars were side to side in the front row, with Potts to my right. And as fate would have it, Potts's lane partially closed about 125 feet ahead, so if he didn't get out in front of me at the start, either he'd have to jump behind me as we passed through the smaller space, or he'd have to trust that I wouldn't run him into the sand bags to his right.
Of course, I planned on veering right and pushing him into the sand bags. The mere scenario had me so giddy, I could barely keep a straight face. It was like the Celebrity Go-Cart Gods had put this right on a platter for me. Right before the race, he looked over at me and I looked back blankly, with part of me wanting to make the Sprewell throat-cutting gesture (I held off). So the starter yells, "Ready..." and Tony starts revving his engine like an ass. Again, it's a f***ing go-cart. Then the starter yells "set ..." and wouldn't you know it, this sleazeball jumps the gun and takes off. By the time the starter said "Go," he had a two-second headstart on everyone, which they would never penalize him for because, again, it's a celebrity f***ing go-cart race.
(This seems like a good time to mention that the winner of this race got to give $10,000 for their favorite charity -- I was driving for the Jimmy Fund -- and this slimeball cheated to get a jumpstart in the semis. How do you cheat in a celebrity go-cart race for charity???? How does this happen??? I expected so much more from a guy who lives in Hollywood and hosts a syndicated entertainment/gossip show.)
Anyway, I took off like a bat out of hell trying to catch him. And since the race lasted for only five laps, it wasn't looking good. Three laps in, he's still about 50 feet ahead of me but coasting because he has a top-two spot locked up. I'm comfortably ahead of the two cars behind me and have the other Finals spot all but locked up -- it would have been me, Duhamel, Potts and Tweeden, ironically enough. But that wasn't cutting it. I was just close enough that it was conceivable I could catch him from behind, spin him out and possibly kill him ... which, in all honesty, would have been my happiest moment of 2007. And I'm flying around the track hitting the big 90-degree turn on Lap 4, but I'm going a little too fast, and ... skiddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.
I spin out.
Not egregiously, but just enough that the last two cars pass me and I have to settle for fourth. The lesson, as always: Don't let your temper get the best of you during a celebrity go-cart race.
As for the finals, I couldn't even bear to watch -- Tweeden ended up winning again (remember, the weight thing) and seemed far too happy about it, spraying champagne over everyone in Winners Row like she had just won the Daytona 500. Whatever. Go shoot another calendar, honey. The good news was that she won the race by spinning out a seething Tony Potts, who was mildly furious afterwards but played it off like it was all fun and games. No way. He was definitely ticked. And frankly, so was I. You know you're sulking at a celebrity event when Queen Latifah comes over to cheer you up.
Where does this leave me and Tony, you ask? Well, I'm going to one of those four-day driving schools to learn all the tricks. No, seriously. That's how competitive I am. Maybe I have a bad back and had to retire from basketball, but I can still drive cars and go-karts, right? Next year, I'm getting revenge on Tony -- whether it happens in a go-kart race, a stoplight on Wilshire, the 405 or wherever else -- and if it leads to one of those "Days of Thunder"-type messes where we're ramming into each other's cars in public for 20 blocks, so be it.
That afternoon, I was asked to participate in the Cadillac Celebrity Go-Cart Race even though I'm not a celebrity. The event was held near the American Airlines Arena and featured celebs like Nick Lachey, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Matt Leinart, Queen Latifah and others, all of whom were infinitely more famous than me. Before the race, I was talking to one of the PR people running the race and some "Access Hollywood" anchor named Tony Potts approched us. Apparently he won the race two years ago; you might remember reading about this in Celebrity Go-Cart Illustrated. When we were introduced, the PR person said, "Tony, do you have any advice for Bill?" After all, this was my first go-cart race -- seemed like an innocent conversation starter, right?
Here's what Tony tells me: "If you feel a tap on your bumper, it's either me, Tweeden or Duhamel. That means you need to get out of the way. And if you don't get out of the way, we'll spin you right out of there."
There were a couple of things I loved about this. First, he referred to the other two celebs (LeeAnn Tweeden and Josh Duhamel) by their last names, like they were professional athletes or something. Second, this blowhard was completely, totally, 100-percent serious. I swear to God. I know it's impossible to believe that someone could be this much of a d-bag, but believe me -- I have a witness. This happened. Third, did I mention that this was a celebrity go-cart race???? It was for charity!!!!!!!!! It's not like we were racing for a new Escalade. And fourth, he completely underestimated my competitiveness and driving acumen. Hell, I once went 120 miles an hour on the Merritt Parkway in a car that was 9 years old and had 105,000 miles on it. Now I was supposed to be afraid of an anchor from "Inside Hollywood?" Er, "Access Hollywood?" Please.
I pretended not to be perturbed, waited for him to leave, confirmed with the PR person that he was completely serious -- he was -- then made plans to run him off the road like Bo Duke. Any chance of me calming down was erased during the "safety lecture" before the race started, when they went over the track and all the precautions -- including how it's not good to bump other drivers -- and Tweeden and Potts (two of the last three winners) sat in the front row cracking jokes like, "just stay out of our way and you won't get hurt" and getting a little TOO into it. They were like the too-cool-for-school kids, only the school wasn't that cool. Again, this was a celebrity f***ing go-cart race.
They broke the groups into five heats, with my heat coming last -- I was in a foursome with Leinart (who looked like death warmed over and a possible threat to puke in his helmet), Lachey (who's constantly smiling, like he can't believe he's having sex with someone who enjoys it) and some girl from "Heroes" who had a lot of letters in her last name. Normally I would have been favored but I was bordering on being legally drunk from the night before. Plus, size dictates who wins go-cart races; someone like Tweeden (40-50 pounds lighter than everyone else) or Lachey (light for a guy) possesses a distinct advantage over heavier people like Leinart, Shawne Merriman (who was allowed to race since they didn't have drug-testing) and Queen Latifah (sorry, I had to). And since the top two advanced to the semis, I knew I'd advance as long as I didn't crash ... which I didn't, finishing second behind Lachey (the weight thing again).
(Note: In the Pantheon of "Things We Don't Do With Our Buddies Nearly Enough": Driving go-karts has to rank right up there with football tailgates, bowling and miniature golf skins games for $50 per hole. Pass your mid-20's and none of these things are ever suggested or broached again -- yet it's a guaranteed afternoon of fun every time. Come on, what's better than zooming around a track trying to intentionally injure your friends? Nothing, I say.)
Now the semis roll around. As fate would have it, Potts wasn't just in my heat ... our cars were side to side in the front row, with Potts to my right. And as fate would have it, Potts's lane partially closed about 125 feet ahead, so if he didn't get out in front of me at the start, either he'd have to jump behind me as we passed through the smaller space, or he'd have to trust that I wouldn't run him into the sand bags to his right.
Of course, I planned on veering right and pushing him into the sand bags. The mere scenario had me so giddy, I could barely keep a straight face. It was like the Celebrity Go-Cart Gods had put this right on a platter for me. Right before the race, he looked over at me and I looked back blankly, with part of me wanting to make the Sprewell throat-cutting gesture (I held off). So the starter yells, "Ready..." and Tony starts revving his engine like an ass. Again, it's a f***ing go-cart. Then the starter yells "set ..." and wouldn't you know it, this sleazeball jumps the gun and takes off. By the time the starter said "Go," he had a two-second headstart on everyone, which they would never penalize him for because, again, it's a celebrity f***ing go-cart race.
(This seems like a good time to mention that the winner of this race got to give $10,000 for their favorite charity -- I was driving for the Jimmy Fund -- and this slimeball cheated to get a jumpstart in the semis. How do you cheat in a celebrity go-cart race for charity???? How does this happen??? I expected so much more from a guy who lives in Hollywood and hosts a syndicated entertainment/gossip show.)
Anyway, I took off like a bat out of hell trying to catch him. And since the race lasted for only five laps, it wasn't looking good. Three laps in, he's still about 50 feet ahead of me but coasting because he has a top-two spot locked up. I'm comfortably ahead of the two cars behind me and have the other Finals spot all but locked up -- it would have been me, Duhamel, Potts and Tweeden, ironically enough. But that wasn't cutting it. I was just close enough that it was conceivable I could catch him from behind, spin him out and possibly kill him ... which, in all honesty, would have been my happiest moment of 2007. And I'm flying around the track hitting the big 90-degree turn on Lap 4, but I'm going a little too fast, and ... skiddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.
I spin out.
Not egregiously, but just enough that the last two cars pass me and I have to settle for fourth. The lesson, as always: Don't let your temper get the best of you during a celebrity go-cart race.
As for the finals, I couldn't even bear to watch -- Tweeden ended up winning again (remember, the weight thing) and seemed far too happy about it, spraying champagne over everyone in Winners Row like she had just won the Daytona 500. Whatever. Go shoot another calendar, honey. The good news was that she won the race by spinning out a seething Tony Potts, who was mildly furious afterwards but played it off like it was all fun and games. No way. He was definitely ticked. And frankly, so was I. You know you're sulking at a celebrity event when Queen Latifah comes over to cheer you up.
Where does this leave me and Tony, you ask? Well, I'm going to one of those four-day driving schools to learn all the tricks. No, seriously. That's how competitive I am. Maybe I have a bad back and had to retire from basketball, but I can still drive cars and go-karts, right? Next year, I'm getting revenge on Tony -- whether it happens in a go-kart race, a stoplight on Wilshire, the 405 or wherever else -- and if it leads to one of those "Days of Thunder"-type messes where we're ramming into each other's cars in public for 20 blocks, so be it.
In Response to al-Sadr
My guess on the song is "American Woman" by that Canadian band Guess Who, including that best mormon rocker ever--Randy Bachman (who later formed BTO).
al-Sadr probably believed the common misconception that the song is anti-american and refers to the US government and their involvment/imperialism in foreign lands. Just look at the lyrics, and, if you believe it's refering to the US government, it is the perfect anthem for al-Sadr, and al-queada for that matter. Not to mention that it is a good jam.
American woman, stay away from me American woman, mama let me be
Don't come hanging around my door I don't want to see your face no more
I got more important things to do Than spend my time growin' old with you
Now woman, said stay away. American woman, listen what I say.
American woman, get away from me American woman, mama let me be
Don't come knocking around my door I don't want to see your shadow no more
Colored lights can hypnotize Sparkle someone else's eyes
Now woman, I said get away American woman, listen what I say.
Now the truth is that the group came up with the tune in a jam session, and one of the guys ad libbed most of the lyrics on-stage. It was more their return to Canada after a long American tour. They were glad to see the women that they had grown up with in Canada. So it really is about American Women.
As a side note. Bachman became a mormon after he met a Mormon model. They were married and later divorced. Upon Bachmans second marriage he converted his new wife to the LDS church, just as his first wife had converted him.
al-Sadr probably believed the common misconception that the song is anti-american and refers to the US government and their involvment/imperialism in foreign lands. Just look at the lyrics, and, if you believe it's refering to the US government, it is the perfect anthem for al-Sadr, and al-queada for that matter. Not to mention that it is a good jam.
American woman, stay away from me American woman, mama let me be
Don't come hanging around my door I don't want to see your face no more
I got more important things to do Than spend my time growin' old with you
Now woman, said stay away. American woman, listen what I say.
American woman, get away from me American woman, mama let me be
Don't come knocking around my door I don't want to see your shadow no more
Colored lights can hypnotize Sparkle someone else's eyes
Now woman, I said get away American woman, listen what I say.
Now the truth is that the group came up with the tune in a jam session, and one of the guys ad libbed most of the lyrics on-stage. It was more their return to Canada after a long American tour. They were glad to see the women that they had grown up with in Canada. So it really is about American Women.
As a side note. Bachman became a mormon after he met a Mormon model. They were married and later divorced. Upon Bachmans second marriage he converted his new wife to the LDS church, just as his first wife had converted him.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Muqtada al-Sadr
I would like to pose the following question in the inaugural post of the Lunch Club Blog:
What do you think Muqtada al-Sadr is listening to on his i-pod?
I have a few guesses. I think that we first have to rule out the obvious no's, such as any anthems composed by Francis Scott Key or any songs which have any combination of the words "God Bless" and "America" in the title. I would also have to rule out Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or any other country music except for maybe the Dixie Chicks.
I think that I can narrow it down to the following: 1) Shakira (she is half Lebanese and his official Arabic blog mentions that he thought she was cuter with brown hair); 2) a Tom Clancy book on tape (great source for potential terrorist plots); or 3) some splendid Tenacious D.
The last guess is based solely on the fact that I believe that al-Sadr and Jack Black are long lost brothers, as is evidenced by the pictures attached below.
I actually heard that al-Sadr tried out to be a stunt double in Nacho Libre, but had to back out because the US Army would have killed him if he left hiding in Sadr City.
What do you think Muqtada al-Sadr is listening to on his i-pod?
I have a few guesses. I think that we first have to rule out the obvious no's, such as any anthems composed by Francis Scott Key or any songs which have any combination of the words "God Bless" and "America" in the title. I would also have to rule out Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or any other country music except for maybe the Dixie Chicks.
I think that I can narrow it down to the following: 1) Shakira (she is half Lebanese and his official Arabic blog mentions that he thought she was cuter with brown hair); 2) a Tom Clancy book on tape (great source for potential terrorist plots); or 3) some splendid Tenacious D.
The last guess is based solely on the fact that I believe that al-Sadr and Jack Black are long lost brothers, as is evidenced by the pictures attached below.
I actually heard that al-Sadr tried out to be a stunt double in Nacho Libre, but had to back out because the US Army would have killed him if he left hiding in Sadr City.
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